you know you're right.

yeah, the pills are never enough... just don't give up.

but anway. such progress on 2000 Man this evening. i was a bit scared that i'd lost my voice in marijuana, that i could only write when i was high... but really, i write a lot WORSE when i'm stoned. i come up with a few brilliant but unrefined ideas and call it a day. the brilliancy is more latent when i'm sober but that's just because i'm still holding back.

i edited the first thirteen pages and gave the whole story an overhaul. ugh, i was heading towards making my main character this fruity mechanic. re-reading those passages i wrote makes me shudder... but i'm combining Meteor with 2000 Man now because they're pretty much the same story and the same character--Meteor was just premature ejaculation. i always felt like it was unrealized.

but now... oh-hoho. i'm sure the ideas aren't original but i AM sure that my perspective is. i'm not hiding from it anymore: this story is me, through and through. it's the only thing i know. everything i write won't be about me. i'm sure that as i grow as a writer i'll want challenges, like actually trying to get IN to character's head as opposed to making assumptions based on my own philosophies. right now this is catharsis.

and yeah. i use 'me' and 'i' too much, too. editing tonight made me realize that...

up to now.

i was real worried i wasn't going to make it but we always do and we're always present.

so then why? you've got maybe two or three important choices to make in life, 'character defining' choices that make you who you are. apparently, the day to day grind is just a past time.

i don't know very much. i disappeared within myself for the past few months, reverted to old habits, sought answers in a wholly ineffective way. how can you teach yourself anything new? you pretty much know all the facts of life that you're ever going to know. anything new you learn is usually through other people.

i'm fairly certain that we need each other: what is depression but the feeling of helplessness? if you're depressed the reason can usually be whittled down to isolation. you've got an issue that you can't express to someone else, that you fear no one will understand, that you fear no one will be able to help you with. inevitably, you ask yourself 'why'? you get either silence or your own biased opinions.

but there's a common ground in mankind, right? there has to be one feeling we can all relate to in the exact same way.

there's definitely a cycle i'm trying to break. i want to be happy with myself and with everyone. i'm so close sometimes; i guess i just have to keep that in mind.

despite what dustin may think, i really do want to humble myself. (you wouldn't believe the week i've had trying to do just that.) it was never my intent to force anyone to my way of thinking, but when you're all you've got for your entire life it's hard to convince yourself that you're wrong.

i'm trying. and i have changed. there's something in me that wants out. i don't like where the world is now. i'm not going to profess to even try to change it but i know i can be happy if i can just get this urge out of me. it slips out in writing and music and i treasure it for a few days, thinking it is whole but put it back on the shelf when i realize that i have barely scratched the surface.

as such, i'm forcing myself to write everyday from now on. after work (which is still going splendidly) i go up the street to a different coffee shop and write for a few hours. so far i've only done it a couple of times and haven't accomplished much but at least i'm getting excited over abandoned stories. honestly, if i can just finish 2000 Man (i had a better title but lost it...) to the image i have in my head of it, i'll be happy.

giddyup?

(well, that's a lame way to end a post.)